Readers aged 26-ish or above may remember a show from their childhood called Totally Spies. One of the many French cartoons of that era to be clearly inspired by anime, just like Code Lyoko or Martin Mystery, it was basically the teenage version of Charlie’s Angels, complete with three high schoolers acting as spies for an international agency on the side. It was… well, clearly a show: I don’t exactly remember anyone being a massive fan of it, but it was there. If it was on the TV, I’d watch it, but I wouldn’t bother that much with it afterwards, nor would I worry about missing an episode.

Totally Spies managed to develop enough of a cult following, it seems, to still have new episodes to this day. As such, it was but a matter of time for one of the many French publishers out there to greenlight a brand new game based off this somewhat world famous French IP. Totally Spies!: Cyber Mission is the first Totally Spies game in 15 years, the first one to be released for consoles since 2007. So, what is it about, and is it worth your time?

You can control all three spies at once… just not when it actually matters. This game’s design is a riddle of its own.

Can I spoil the answer to the second question right away? Well, the answer is no, predictably. Now, for the first question, which will also answer the second one further down the line. Totally Spies!: Cyber Mission is a co-op stealth game based on the latest season of the show, released earlier this year. Believe it or not, but Totally Spies is still going strong after more than two decades. In this new season, and the game, the three main protagonists are now students in an academy in Singapore, whilst still being spies on the side. I can assume that the change in scenery changes things up in the show, but in the game, it barely does a difference. With everyone speaking Valley Girl English, and all environments being bland and unoriginal, the game could have been set in Timbuktu that I wouldn’t have noticed a difference.

If this picture was presented in 4:3, you would have thought this was a retro review for a PS2 game.

Missions are stacked together as if they were segments of a bigger Totally Spies episode each. The developers tried their best with providing a presentation that remotely resembled the show, and whilst I appreciated the voice acting, the visuals are pretty freaking underwhelming. The models look dated, as if they had been designed for a PS2 game back in the day, only to be recycled nearly two decades later. Their animations are janky, with their lip movements being absolutely bizarre. Finally, the disappointing 30fps framerate, as to be expected from a Switch game. I know I should expect that, but it doesn’t make it less annoying. The Care Bears game, of all damn things, aimed for a better framerate.

Most of them revolve around using each agent’s special skill to solve minute puzzles. Sam can use a ranged weapon to distract guards, Clover can open locks and freeze enemies (literally), whilst Alex can use a special boot that, and you won’t believe that, lets her walk on puddles without making any noise. These are just some of the special gadgets they possess, but there are a few more, depending on the situation. You usually need to drag the spy to the puzzle, avoiding guards along the way, and then have the other girls get to the destination as well. In co-op, sure, that is understandable. Each person controls one spy, and they are all played in real time.

Can you hack it and make it run over all enemies in the level? It’s not like anyone will miss their nonexistent AI.

Sadly, I don’t think Totally Spies!: Cyber Mission is going to become a multiplayer staple any time soon, so you’re probably going to play it by yourself. In this case, the game becomes an utterly atrocious experience, because you have to play as all agents, but can only control one at a time. There is no CPU-controlled agent, even if the game wastes your time asking you who do you want to play as at the beginning of a session. You need to drag each and every agent to the destination, in case you’re playing solo. At times, that means doing each stealth section three times, as some puzzles require all agents to be present.

Doing some menial chores three times in a row sounds pointless, and it’s because it is. I don’t understand if this was an oversight or not – a means to swap between each of the agents was programmed into the game, so I assume this wasn’t a mistake. In this case, I then question the reasoning behind this. Motivation to make this game more appealing (or in this case, less obnoxious) to local multiplayer enthusiasts? A tight development schedule? Regardless, the overall gameplay loop felt dull and even more repetitive than initially expected as a result. I didn’t even mention the fact the enemy AI is nearly nonexistent – you can actually beat some sections by merely waltzing next to your foes, gadgets be damned.

Now you’re just making words up.

There was never a moment prior to Totally Spies!: Cyber Mission‘s release when the game didn’t look like it wasn’t going to be a mess, but at the very least, I was expecting for it to be somewhat tolerable as a solo experience. It’s not a fun co-op game, and it’s downright disastrous if you decide to play it by yourself (which, let’s face it, you will, you won’t convince anyone else to join you in such ordeal). Poor controls, performance and visuals are just additional droplets of salt on top of this wound. I guess that, if you’re a really big fan of Totally Spies, you will be able to find some entertainment out of this game, but that’s a big stretch. For anyone else, I cannot recommend it at all.

Totally Spies!: Cyber Mission is available now on PS4, PS5, Xbox One, Xbox Series S/X, PC and Switch

Reviewed on Switch.

A copy of Totally Spies!: Cyber Mission was provided by the publisher.