For the life of me, I can’t imagine why being on reality tv appeals to anyone. You have cameras on your every move, the editors ultimately decide how the public perceives you, and you end up making very little compared to the amount of time you put in (if you make anything at all). With Find Love or Die Trying, it’s evident that Sunseeker Games had a bit of a tongue-in-cheek thought about the industry themselves, which is how you end up with a visual novel that centers around some schmuck trying to find his soulmate on a television show. Yes, there’s more to it, and there’s certainly twists, turns and reveals, but let’s be perfectly honest: the core is basically “what if The Bachelor and The Hunger Games had some kind of middling, single minded child?”

Oh boy, here we go.

You awaken on an airplane, with no memory apart from your name, and are quickly told that you’re part of a new reality dating show. After that, you end up in a mansion and are treated to a series of increasing stereotypes that you’d picture on this kind of deal. You’ve got the nerdy quiet girl who plays video games and is secretly deep. You’ve got a sporty type who wants to be more girly, just for you. There’s a girl obsessed with cosmopolitan things, a girl who comes from the pampered life, and then a girl who I guess is supposed to be the down to earth, next door type. Oh, and the person in charge of your handling is also a woman, but that’s a relationship that never, even once, feels natural.

Find Love or Die Trying is a visual novel that marches along at a swift but amicable pace, letting you do a few choices here or there but ultimately drives towards the same endgame. For the sake of spoilers, I will tell you that there are twists and turns that aren’t entirely unpredictable. While nothing ever came out of left field and blindsided me, there were a couple of moments that let me utter “huh” before moving on. Some of the characters have more elaborate backstories and connections to the game then you’d really fathom, but there isn’t a reveal that shocks you the way that I like to be surprised. Instead, you have to really drill down on whether you’re invested in the potential romantic interests (initially) and then how much those relationships mean to you (as the game progresses further into spoiler territory).

The five contestants suddenly realizing that I’m actually pretty poor and have no net worth.

The writing for Find Love or Die Trying is merely okay. There’s nothing indefensibly terrible about it, unlike more recent and unsavory games I’ve played, but there’s nothing truly poetic that happens behind the scenes. I love to play games and come upon quotes and settings that set me back on my heels or get me to read it again to understand the impact. In this case, I had a few good chuckles that actually felt intentional, so it was at least enjoyable in a pulpy sort of way. Yet there also wasn’t anything that came from this dialogue that further engaged me with the supposed storyline.

Take, for example, Kat, the handler who ends up with some dark and shocking connection to everything (not really, but go with me here). Even though she’s not a dating option throughout the show, you get to learn a lot about her, her ideas and morals and also how those can be broken down throughout moments in the game. She should have been the most intriguing person to talk with, but everything felt flat and straightforward, almost like she was reading off a teleprompter. The artwork gave her (and the others) a range of emotions during certain lines and moments, but it lacked the fuel behind it to propel it to the next level, even as you find out she’s been betraying you in a way most foul.

We are clearly not speaking in front of the cameras, TAKE OFF THE STUPID MICROPHONE.

That brings us to our second issue, which is cohesion. Find Love or Die Trying wants to segue from one genre into another and blend the two together, attempting to craft a sort of intelligent subterfuge of romance and horror. Instead, it just wildly toggles between the two, creating a sense of disconnect. You oscillate from “My God, this is a shocking revelation!” to “Let’s see if Violet wants to go windsurfing or something.”. Horrific Xanitorium may not have been the best title I’ve read, but it made the right choice by firmly dividing the before and after of a major game event. Find Love, because of the nature of trying to keep a ruse going, just feels untethered with what it wants to deliver.

Without voicework, you’re left to just read what the characters have to say while a rather blase soundtrack plays throughout, using some pretty on-the-nose ambience for romance, dread and action. While none of it is offensively bad, it’s just something that makes Find Love or Die Trying almost appear like it came from a kit you could buy from a store. Simply add a couple of characters, some light fanservice of kisses and implications and boom, you’ve made a visual novel. The fact that I couldn’t even tell you if the musical stings change from when the game begins to when you get the big twist tells me the soundscape, though I’m sure thoughtfully put together, never coalesces into greatness or memory. It simply is.

Is this an ending? Nope! Just a random proposal in the middle of the story. Pay no heed.

The final issue, at least from my perspective, is the futility of choices. I enjoy kinetic novels: I like being told a story and I can simply click along with it on my PC or smartphone. I don’t want to watch this story as a movie or read it as a book. Sometimes being a game, even a game with the most agentless participation, is the right approach for a tale. Find Love or Die Trying is not kinetic, and, to its credit, puts in multiple choices for you throughout. There are plenty of opportunities to figure out who to date, what to say, and what bird pun will help get the gamer girl to drop her defenses and potentially her shorts.

But the final choice of the game gives you the ending of your choice, and it really sucks the fun out of the process. All the effort to think about how to respond to questions, the order in which you should talk to people and the carefully weighted retorts to those who wish you harm all mean bupkis. You can simply say “Man, I hope I get the Scarlet ending!” and there you go. You’re going to end up with the raven haired woman who’s secretly super smart and has been working to fight the forces of darkness forever or something. I don’t really know because I wasn’t trying to get a Scarlet ending, but the game just HANDED me it in the finale, so there you go.

I’ll leave it up to you if this is story centric or just something goofy that happens appropos of nothing.

On a scale from gum to feast, Find Love or Die Trying is one of those bags of chips that your parents would pack you on a field trip. It’s definitely tasty, and it’s not too filling, but it’s also over way before you want it to be. Additionally, it’s Lays Original flavor potato chips: you really wanted a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, but those went first and mom isn’t buying another snack pack until you eat all the other flavors as well. It’s a fine little game, and I wasn’t bored or upset, but it simply was over and really stumbled on the landing. If you want a quick read for an afternoon and wonder what Love Island would be like with some deadly stakes involved, it’s a good five dollar pickup that’ll tide you over till the next episode of your favorite show starts.

Find Love or Die Trying is available now on Steam, Playstation 4/5, Xbox Series One X/S and Nintendo Switch.

Reviewed on Nintendo Switch.

A copy of Find Love or Die Trying was provided by the publisher.