Welcome to what might just be the most ludicrous idea for a game I’ve played in a substantially long time: Date Everything. The name couldn’t have been more direct about what you do in this title. You date everything. And when they say everything, they mean EVERYTHING. This is a semi-visual novel stroke dating sim where you’re essentially locked to your house after being delivered some mysterious glasses that let you bring inanimate objects to life… and some of them end up actually becoming hot. Which means it’s time to take advantage of that fact and try to date everything.

It’s time to learn how to have that Rizz.

So first things first, let me reiterate the fact that this is a (semi) visual novel. Most of your time playing Date Everything will basically be spent talking to various objects-turned-characters, and deciding on who you’ll want to pursue a further relationship (or in this case, more lines of dialogue). If you’re into a crapper (which means cool rapper, for some reason), then go talk to the toilet. No, really. If you’re big on operatic or classical music, then the piano is the way to go. Let’s not forget about the microwave, called… Luke Nukem. He might be a bit, uh, well, over the top, and there will be mentions about him not being royalty (as he’s not a Duke, get it?).

I was very unsure what to expect from Date Everything at first, at least outside of the typical elements expected from a dating simulator and visual novel. Getting a fully voiced game though, filled to the brim with different characters, with different styles, personalities, interests, everything you would need in a character to get invested in, wasn’t something I expected to show up in such detail and depth. If anything, take away the fact that the voice acting in this game is excellent.

I’ll give you this much, you’re crap.

Maybe it’s just how my brain works, though, but the character that IS the glasses was the first interest I had, alongside finding a character of the same gender to see what the different experiences were like. That side, however, was a tiny bit more forced, as I didn’t find any of the male characters to be overly interesting.

All of the characters are very interestingly written, but even more interestingly designed. Everything is done to make it clear what item each character is, and sometimes that is to the detriment. For instance, the mini bar table character is just a really strange design, which is unfortunate because she is one of the more fun written characters. First impressions are everything. Luke Nukem, on the other hand, I felt like I couldn’t get away from fast enough. His character is just massively over the top army man. It makes most stereotypical “army men” in movies look tame by comparison. Sorry Luke, but you’ll live out the rest of your days as a microwave, I am not bringing you back to life.

Get it, Beverly… Like beverage?

Is now the time to point out questions I have that I don’t think are answered and probably aren’t even important? If I bought a new microwave, would it be Luke still or is every microwave a different character? What happens if I was to go to the store and just start making a bunch of items living beings? I guess I will never know because the second you walk out the door, a drone shows up and steals your glasses away and basically tells you you’re not deserving of finding love if you leave the house.

Your phone magically has apps that tell you every dateable you’ve spoken to. Including your phone.

This is such an absolutely insane concept for a game, and the even more ludicrous aspect about it is that it actually works. Date Everything really puts its money where its mouth is and lets you do just as the title suggests. That being said, when you’re in conversation with a character that is to your liking, it’s great and engaging. When you’re stuck in conversation with someone that just keep rapping at you, it makes you want to put your head through a wall. All in all, considering the premise that seemed destined to fail, it’s still a case where pros outweigh the cons.

Date Everything is available now on Nintendo Switch, PC, PlayStation 5, Xbox Series S|X

Reviewed on Nintendo Switch

A copy of Date Everything was provided by the publisher.