D3 Publisher is known for making games that aren’t particularly polished or developed with the highest of budgets, but they’re almost always somewhat charming due to their simplistic gameplay loops and irreverent B-tier charm. They are the IP holders of both Onee Chanbara and Earth Defense Force, after all, so you can always count on them when it comes to releasing a cheap, dumb, yet fun Japanese action game. Full Metal Schoolgirl, their latest release, developed by Yuke’s, follows the same premise: simple, dumb, forgettable, but still entertaining while it lasts. It just so happens to also be a roguelike, because every damn publisher in the Milky Way needs at least one of those.

I’m sure there’s some kind of critique towards Japan’s work culture in Full Metal Schoolgirl, but I didn’t particularly play it for the social commentary.

Full Metal Schoolgirl starts things off by trying to estabilish some lore and introducing us to its two protagonists. This is an alternate version of Japan, almost entirely populated by robots working non-stop in order to meet insane company demands. A super subtle take on Japan’s infamous working conditions, as you can clearly see. There’s this evil corporation called Meternity Jobz (with a “z”, because it’s hip), which has caused separate problems to our protagonists, schoolgirls-turned-cyborgs Akemi and Ryoko. The game’s premise is simple: select one of the two girls, equip weaponry onto them, and proceed to wreck s*** up inside the ever-changing rooms of the company’s headquarters, until you can topple its evil leader for good.

Someone must have found this to be funny. I wasn’t one of them. By the way, this is how you upgrade your character.

It’s the standard roguelike fare: simple combat, randomly-generated room layouts, small round-lasting buffs, permanent upgrades in between runs… the only difference being the premise and the visuals. In true Onee Chanbara-esque fare, this game is anime-ish in terms of its visuals, with waifus as protagonists, occasionally gratuitous (and idiotic) fanservice, J-rock and a lot of voice acting. The latter two were a particular surprise to me, as the music, whilst repetitive, wasn’t bad at all, and the inclusion of fully translated English voice acting alongside the expected Japanese one. Is it good voice acting? Eh, not quite. But the fact it’s even here to begin with was already a surprise to begin with.

The combat itself is shallow and unimaginative, but it’s fun, and that’s what really matters. Each character has one melee weapon and one ranged weapon attached to them at all times. When it came to ranged weapons, even though there is a sizeable amount of them to choose from during a run, I’ve decided to almost always stick to a gatling gun; it wasn’t always the best choice, but it was always the most FUN choice. This is a game where you have a chainsaw in one hand and a machine gun in the other one… there’s no reason to be strategic, just chaotic and ignorant.

Full Metal Schoolgirl’s gameplay loop is super shallow, but it’s fun.

There isn’t a lot that can or needs to be said about Full Metal Schoolgirl because this is the perfect case of its premise speaking for itself. It’s super simplistic, dumb, shallow as a puddle, and really repetitive. But if you’re looking for the kind of mindless fun D3 Publisher is known for, this game is an easy recommendation. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have fun with it in smaller bursts. Destroying foes with ease with my overpowered weapons in a colorful and absurdist anime world was pretty cathartic. Overall, if you’re into the same kind of dumb fun you can have with EDF or Onee Chanbara, then Full Metal Schoolgirl will be good for you as well.

Full Metal Schoolgirl is available now on PS5, PC and Switch 2.

Reviewed on PS5.

A copy of Full Metal Schoolgirl was provided by the publisher.