Families We Wouldn’t Celebrate With
Thanksgiving is a time for family, food, and throwing on a few extra pounds together. But it’s no secret that gathering the extended family over a Thanksgiving table can bring out old family tensions. While we all have favorite games and sets of characters, we at WTMG are confident that we wouldn’t want to spend Turkey Day with these groups.
The Bakers – Resident Evil 7
A horror game set in the bayou is already enough to give anyone the heebie-jeebies. But when the backwoods family that invited you to their Thanksgiving table eats indistinguishable grey slop and sadistically tortures one another for entertainment, you’ve uncovered a whole new form of terror.
The last time I sat and shared a meal with a crazy backwoods family, the grandmother kept following me in her wheelchair, I saw more of the mother than I wanted to, and someone had the audacity to chop of my hand, staple it back on, and pretend like it wasn’t a big deal.
The dysfunctional family of Gwyn, Lord of Cinder – The Dark Souls Series
Lord Gwyn, the first Lord of Cinder, is a core character throughout the story of the Dark Souls series, even though he isn’t physically present after the original game. He so feared the dark age of humanity that would follow the extinguishing of the First Flame, that he sacrificed himself to reignite the flame, branding mankind with the undead curse and beginning a cycle of curse and kindling that would last for eras to come.
Gwyn’s actions are arguably those of a noble king who saw first to his duties, but his family is broken at best. A king of Gwyn’s stature was likely to have many children, though we can’t confidently identify more than four of them. Gwyn’s first born and eldest son was a great warrior prince whose name has been forgotten to history. He fought valiantly against the ancient dragons as Gwyn and his kind rose to power and had statues erected in his honor across Lordran. His honor was short lived as he betrayed his father and sided with the dragons. Gwyn was so enraged that he destroyed all of his son’s statues and paintings, wiping his face from history. If prevailing theories are true, the Storm Rider of Dark Souls 3 is Gwyn’s first born, alive and well.
Then there are Gwyn’s daughters, Gwynoveire and Fillianoire, whom were both told to stay put in a tower. Gwynoveire was left behind in Anor Londo, for as long as she was there, her magic would create the illusion of the grand city’s prevailing health. Murder Gwynoveire, and the illusion will fall, revealing the city for what it is. Similarly, Fillianoire was given away to the pygmy lords of the Ringed City. Locked away and dreaming until the end of days, Fillianoire had little in regards to quality of life. The true purpose of her slumber is unknown but waking her is ill-advised.
Lastly, there’s Gwyndolyn, who is believed to be the youngest of them all. Despite being Gwyn’s son, Gwyndolyn was raised as a daughter for his affinity to the moon, refusing to praise the sun.
In a family like Gwyn’s there’s bound to be plenty of family history and drama resurface over the dinner table. Considering that two of his daughters can’t leave their towers, his eldest is living in a dragon sanctuary, it’s going to be a fairly empty table. Though I would love to be a fly on the wall for the conversations between Lord Gwyn and Gwyndolyn.
Kratos and the Olympians – God of War
There’s always that one family member that is perpetually angry and constantly arguing with anyone that will take the bait, sometimes even escalating into a physical tussle. But in the case of Kratos and his family, it’s fight first and bury the dead later.
Kratos and his old man have most certainly never seen eye to eye, but Kratos has a knack for escalation. After impaling his bully of an older brother, Ares, Kratos went back to the table and picked a fight with papa Zeus. When he lost that fight and got kicked out of the house, he rounded up his neighbors, the Titans, and enlisted them to help with the family feud. Once they got him back in the house, he left to Titans to freeze to death outside while he mowed down the rest of his family, until there was no one left to interrupt his conversation with dad.
If anyone knows where Kratos is living now, please let us know so we can move further away.
Booker Dewitt and Elizabeth – Bioshock Infinite
It’s a common rule of thumb that religion and politics are two topics that are better avoided around the dinner table. After meeting Booker Dewitt, we’ve decided that adding finances to the list of table taboo conversations would be a wise decision. “Bring us the girl, wipe away the debt.” What started as a chance to clear the books and eliminate Booker’s gambling debts, turned into a bender that resulted in the destruction of a city in multiple dimensions.
But Thanksgiving is about celebrating family and a confusing period of American historty. We can forgive some past discretions for the sake of family. But we still wouldn’t want Booker at our dinner table. Sure, he has that brooding personality that makes tortured heroes intriguing, and a bit of gruff Han Solo-esque charm, but his relationship with Elizabeth is an uncomfortable one at best. I’m all for strong bonds between parents and their children, but the dynamic between Booker and Elizabeth is a bit too muddled for a healthy father/daughter relationship.
Seriously, we could do without Rule 34 on this one.
The Mars Family – Heavy Rain
All Americans know that the best deals on holiday gifts come right after Black Friday, encouraging shoppers to burn off the turkey pounds as they sprint from retailer to retailer, often fist-fighting over the last Xbox One.
Either Ethan is an oblivious father, or Jason and Shaun Mars are the reigning hide ‘n’ seek champions. The Mars family has a habit of losing children in public places, crowded or not. If you have any children of your own, I would advise keeping them away from the Mars household, Ethan may lose them after walking into the next room. For his sake, he hope he finds his sons soon, because even we’re tired of him yelling for Shaun.
You certainly wouldn’t want to go Black Friday shopping at the mall with Ethan Mars.
Families We Would Celebrate With
But it’s definitely not all bad. There are plenty of game families that we would want to share a meal, and a few drinks with.
The Drakes – Uncharted series
Nathan and Elena Drake weren’t the most obvious of choices, but after giving it some thought, we wouldn’t dare pass on spending the holiday with them.
The Drakes (including Sully and crew) are far from traditional and definitely wouldn’t spend Thanksgiving gathered around a table. We’re confident Nathan knows of a hidden treasure left behind by the Sioux that disappeared somewhere along the Trail of Tears that he’s just been itching to get his hands on. Somewhere out there is a sect of the Free Masons who have are armed to the teeth and just waiting to race Drake to the hidden treasure trove that only he is capable of tracking down. And what better way to spend the holidays than to adventure across America in search of funds for Christmas presents?
Blazkowicz + Crew – Wolfenstein
Family is important, but let’s not forget that Thanksgiving is about celebrating a time when diverse cultures came together to celebrate as one as Americans (it’s best to take this one exclusively at face value). Who better to embody all of these values than the Jewish Polish-American anti-Nazi war hero B.J Blazkowicz?
Blazkowicz and his gang of rebellious miscreants are just as as gifted in throwing parties as they are at clipping the wings of the Third Reich. When you’re inciting a revolution, it’s important to make time to rest and bond together. Paris Jack can provide the jazzy tunes, Max Hass can handle the decor, and you know there will be a plethora of machine-gun barrel cooked bacon to enjoy while Fergus shares his war stories. Horton, our new favorite character, even makes his own alcohol. Getting together with the American Resistance over a turkey dinner would bring new meaning to “rebel hard, party harder”.
Sly Cooper + Gang – Sly Cooper Franchise
A slightly more obscure group in this list, the Cooper gang is the epitome of the idea that you don’t have to share the same blood to be family. They’ve been through it all together and truly represent family in all its best and worst moments.
Stories would always be entertaining as discussions of past heists and stolen treasures fly through the air. The sharp wit of Sly with the endless knowledge of Bentley and Murray’s comedy would come together in what could only be a phenomenal Thanksgiving dinner. We truly wish we could sit down and share a stolen meal with the most honorable of thieves.
The Original Normandy Crew – Mass Effect Series
After four games, it’s challenging to remember all of the crew members from the Mass Effect series, but how could anyone forget the original crew? Sheppard, Tali’Zorah, Urdnot Wrex, Garrus, Joker, Ashley/Kaiden, and Liara just had the best chemistry out of the Normandy crew that would follow in later years. While we hold some of the later crew members like Thane and Legion close to our hearts, they don’t hold a candle to the OG Normandy crew. Nothing would interest us more than to travel the stars while enjoying the galactic equivalent of turkey and washing it down with a glass of Krogan ryncol.
Kaer Moren – The Witcher Series
Temeria is a big place. If you’re anything like us, you spent hours getting lost in Novigrad and stood in awe at the scale of Skellige. For such a vast world filled with so many interesting people, it’s incredible that the best of them somehow ended up at Kaer Morhen together.
No matter how you chose to play The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt, Kaer Morhen, where the School of the Wolf resides, houses some of the most interesting characters of Temeria. Who wouldn’t want to get wingman tips from Dandelion, drink with Zoltan, play Gwent with Lambert, spar with Ciri, or quip with the clever Triss Merigold*. Geralt’s family of mistfits is without a doubt an intimidating and brooding bunch, but they’d never pass up on a chance to fill up on spirits, dance a bit, and tussle a bit more. While none of us would be as interesting as the rest of the gang, what we wouldn’t give to at least be a spectator.
*Yen wasn’t invited.