There are times as a game reviewer when you receive a code that you have no interest in whatsoever, but out of pure curiosity have to accept. I didn’t expect I would be spending a week playing a game called Wanking Simulator, but here we are. There really isn’t much girth to this game so we are going to make this short, sweet, and to the point. Fair warning, if you’re expecting a serious review for a game called Wanking Simulator then this game definitely won’t be for you. Enjoy!

The story is pretty complex so I’ll try and wank it down for you the best I can. You play as the one armed strong man named Winston Gay. The corrupt government has seized his house for wanking too loudly near his neighbors. Now, Winston is on a mission to make everyone in the town of Gay Bay pay a price for taking away his home. Along with taking revenge on the general populace of Gay Bay, Winston has a few specific targets he wants to gift pearls to.

Much like Goat Simulator, Wanking Simulator gives you an open sandbox to go make a mess in. However, there are main missions to accomplish that do take place in different levels. You’ll visit a police station where you’ll need to wank your way through officers to breakout your best friend who was arrested for wanking in public. You’ll return to Gay Bay with another set of objectives, and some additional things to mess around with. There isn’t a ton to do and once the ridiculousness of the gameplay wears off, so does the fun.

As you would expect, the general gameplay is over the top and a bit sloppy. You’re able to wreak havoc with punches, kicks, jump kicks, plus various items and special cum shots. Yes, along with a mana bar, you have a cum bar. Mana is used while using magic abilities and super abilities. Shooting out fireballs can cause massive damage to your surroundings, and launch various small objects around. Knocking people out allows you to wank on them which will fill your cum meter, allowing you to use cum attacks. There is a massive cum blast that will send nearby enemies and items away, as well as a cum shower that, well, I think you get the idea.

Within the levels there are various items and weapons you can buy, as well as vendors that sell spells and drugs. At one point you’re tasked to smoke some LSD which then gives everything a warped rainbow effect. While high as a kite you’ll be attacked by baguette men. Literal baguettes with limbs that attack you. During this state of tripping there isn’t any gravity so wanking people out to space is an objective. These overly stupid moments did get a chuckle out of me because of the insanity.

Visually Wanking Simulator is only pleasing when you’re looking at the engine’s pre-made assets. The general environments are nicely detailed from the roads, homes, grass, and various standard objects. However, once it comes to the AI and player models it is lacking big time. Essentially anything that was custom made looks horrible whether it’s models or effects. The player is lacking so much, you aren’t even actually wanking anything! He is just doing the motion over his underwear. Can you believe this trickery? I feel lied to and bamboozled.

There is some voice acting present in the game, but only through narration of the story points before a mission. The voice acting is as bad as you’d expect along with poor audio quality. The soundtrack is just standard elevator music affair that doesn’t add much and there are random sound effects from you wanking into things. The dude spanks the monkey so furiously that the sound effect used to beat the meat gets really tiring after just a couple minutes. You almost want him to stop wanking just to feel some relief.

Wanking Simulator is not a good game, nor does it offer as much as Goat Simulator. For a game with such a dumb premise that doesn’t take itself seriously, it’s surprisingly devoid of humor. Once the initial shock factor of the gameplay wears off within the first level, there really isn’t any more gags to be had. It got a couple laughs out of my immature sense of humor at times, but they were cheap and fleeting. Also, I have to point out that this guy makes a game clearly not caring about beating the hell out of people and spunking on them, or shooting out knuckle children in a church. But gives a “please don’t take offense” letter to the LGBTQ community because of some gay jokes? At this point, why would you even care? If you’re going to cross the line, have the balls to cross the line.

 

Graphics: 5.0 The levels and various items within it are well rendered and look like the stock engine assets. However, the people and custom effects look terrible.	Gameplay: 2.0   The taboo ludicrousness of the games general wanking gameplay loses its appeal quickly, and you’re ready to finish in two minutes. Finish playing, that is.
Sound: 1.0 The small bits of voice acting present is extremely poor quality, and the rest is standard sound effects of pulling pud. Nothing note worthy here.	Fun Factor: 3.0 Obviously not for mature audiences, but there are a couple things that will get you to giggle. This is a simulator whose themes don’t need an actual simulation of their own, if you know what I mean. Just do yours indoors.
Final Verdict: 3.0

Wanking Simulator is available now on PC.

Reviewed on i7-9700k, 16gb RAM, and RTX 2070.

A copy of Wanking Simulator was provided by the publisher.