You’re likely wondering how I got here. I mean, a week or two ago, I was reviewing 505’s Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising and heaping on endless praise. Today, I come with a fine-tooth comb to rummage through a title that utilizes perversion as a core mechanic. Seriously, every damn piece of marketing I’ve seen thus far promotes breast enlargement as a critical way to determine the strength each girl possesses. Abilities are decided based on shape and firmness, putting the perk in perkiness. The sheer lunacy of the concept did intrigue me though, so I knew I had to analyze it. I had no idea what lay ahead, but I’m not one to be deterred by the horny aesthetic. After all, I reviewed Moero Crystal H years ago, giving a 9. Upon booting up Seven Pirates H, yup, there’s a barrage of scantily-clad women . Today- I become a man.

 

IS THIS ACTUAL PORN!?

“Sex sells” is an adage as old as time, and one that this title unabashedly encompasses. It nonchalantly delves into spicy subject matter that will surely turn your face red in embarrassment. Now, I’m not personally bothered by how indulgent Seven Pirates H gets. As long as the plot and gameplay are sufficient, I can revel in the madness awaiting me. Before I go on, though, if there are illusions of a thought-provoking adventure, banish the notion. Typically, a fan-service game like this one leans heavily towards the comedy for a semblance of substance. It uses smutty humour as a substitute for the story. There isn’t laughter here, however, and the silly witticisms it does attempt come across as disjointed. To put it bluntly, the jokes lack punchlines. What’s frustrating is there are examples with decent build-up, but it falters to capitalize on those.

 

LITERATURE TRIP UP!

One thing Seven Pirates H does do an amicable job with is infusing a sense of personality into the girls. It’s nothing extravagant in terms of uniqueness, but the localization is legible, helping to maintain a clean flow when reading. One example is the ruthless girl with an appetite for violence or the prideful leader bursting with determination. Then, there’s a handful of stereotypical and inconsequential presences. With them, there’s a clear foundation laid out for who they are supposed to be, but it gets ridiculously muddled because of the shoehorned sexuality. The women can be distinct and well-rounded, but there’s an apparent failure to expand upon that. It doesn’t even go the predictable route of haphazardly stringing a cohesive background together. It feels dumb chastising poor literary work in a raunchy title, but it should have been better.

My biggest gripe is the ghastly pacing of the narrative. It moves at a breakneck speed, causing me scholarly whiplash. It sucks, too, because when it manages to introduce legitimately intriguing points, it quickly falls flat. Seven Pirates H doesn’t take advantage of fleshing details out. Instead, it coasts on depravity, using it as a crutch and hinging on half-naked females to help mask the poor endeavours at humour, as well as the lacklustre storytelling. Now look, I’m not a fan of comparing a title to another because I believe they should stand on their merit. However, we’ve seen what actual effort looks like when amalgamating a salacious setting with adequate silliness. After sinking a little over thirty hours, this ain’t it, and my session was dull. Sure I finished, but that’s more due to covering it and not wanting to.

 

TRIGGER WARNING!

Please be aware that the topics explored in Seven Pirates H are triggering. I’ve made it no secret that I don’t mind gratuitous lewdness, but even I can’t help but be troubled. For folks who have played either Moero title, Otton is a familiar name. That should be no surprise as all three are part of the Genkai Tolkien Series. If I were to characterize him, he’s a strange and profoundly lustful otter with an infatuation for breasts. In other words, he’s nothing but an animalized version of a boy experiencing puberty and discovering a woman’s body for the first time. The particular part that’s disturbing occurs in the beginning. The heroine is unconscious after crashing her ship on a beach. Upon finding her, she awakes to him, groping her chest. Again, fan service isn’t a problem, but when sexual harassment is needlessly added, the line has been crossed.

 

YOU HAVE NO SKILL!

In a far departure from the DRPG formula of both the Moero titles, Seven Pirates H takes a visual approach. While the combat system retains the turn-based tinge, it’s now fully 3D. Character models of every girl are shown, giving this title its own identity. The way it functions is textbook, with zero innovation insight. None of that is bothersome, though, because, at the end of the day, it’s all mechanically sound. Where it starts to slither into an inept state is with the abilities. See, Magic Points don’t work as they traditionally do. They’re reversed, with the only method of restoration being when neck-deep in battle. There are items, but they can’t be used outside of the action. Sure, we’ve seen this practice countless times before, but the way it’s applied here is agonizingly slow. Unfortunately, it gets worse.

 To be blunt, skills, in general, suffer from a terrible imbalance. The cost of executing them is too steep in comparison to the MP that slowly recovers through regular play. You see, each strike is assigned a value, netting a cool twelve MP out of a maximum of 200. However, between the four in your party, in addition to the enemies, turn rotation lends itself to creating this long-winded process just to unleash a single technique. Thankfully, there’s a silver lining; if you manage to kill a monster, there’s a slim chance of damaging another. The catch is it must be a critical hit to register, and there’s a 50/50 chance that won’t even occur. The reward if it does, though, is twice as much MP, filling the bar at a somewhat reasonable speed – it‘s just reliant on RNG. The monotony here is potent, and it’s thriving.

Let’s talk more numbers; the lowest skill cost is 30, meaning that at minimum, I must melee upwards of two or three times before usage. Well, that is unless I plan on harnessing an altered state that bolsters my stats – the name of which is quite apt. It’s “Arousal,” and you certainly can’t gloss over when it activates. See, a provocative animation plays the instant you reach 200. In adhering to the perverse nature that, so far, has been prevalent, the girls become stimulated. To incentivize you to do it, a nifty move then unlocks that is sheer annihilation. It’s just a crying shame that it’s an utter slog to turn these girls on. Perhaps this is to reflect real life, come to think of it. You probably think items could alleviate MP recovery. Well, they can, but due to ability costs, the positive effects are immediately made redundant. 

What’s frustrating is a slight tweak to number values can solve my gripes. If 12 MP permanently became 24 or, hell, even 30, I wouldn’t need to be Goddamn selective. Instead of choosing between rejuvenating health or buffing stats, I could easily afford to do both. For all the complaining I’ve done, I’ve yet to touch on my penultimate annoyance. You see, getting the girls aroused is an arduous task. Thanks to the heightened state, though, I begrudgingly work towards it because of its usefulness for defeating bosses. Now, imagine the sheer irritation that washes over my body when it decides to initiate after the last move of a pointless encounter. Not only does that mean the form goes to waste, but I have to re-energize and strategically plan to ensure that when it happens next, I can use the damn thing.

 

UNTAPPED GOODNESS!

Look, there’s potential to, at best, be an average romp. I liked sailing the sea and finding treasure hidden in the various islands. I loved the cheeky inclusion of bigger enemies being far stronger than their smaller counterparts, indicating that size certainly does matter. Leveling up characters takes a distinct approach with a mechanic known as “booby training.” It allows you to manipulate the girl’s breasts and decide just how perky, squishy, firm, big, or small they each are. It’s surprisingly robust on customization, but devolves quickly into the unnatural territory. Every adjustment offers a bonus, like DEF being dependent on softness, while cup size helps ATK. My favourite is the companions scattered around the map. Collecting them all contributes to unique skills being acquired that are incredibly useful but, again, their high MP cost is ridiculous.

Now, while travelling the world, you may find requests that need completing – these include fetching items or slaughtering particular creatures. It’s at this point a few fantastic quality-of-life additions begin stepping forward. For example, there’s a minor crafting system that, naturally, needs ingredients. Typically, you’d scroll through a bestiary to learn the monsters that drop the necessary items. Well, in Seven Pirates H, the ability to hover above objectives and have it straight up notify you of their exact location is an option.

Another superb touch is upon completing a task; a handy prompt is shown, telling you as much. There’s no need to scan menus just to double-check. Now, enemy weaknesses see a return but exploiting them nets you nothing. While I love how it’s visible during fights, I miss bonuses to money or experience enticing me to target them.

 

AM I HOT, THOUGH!?

I’ll never not be amazed by the monster designs. It’s honestly awe-inspiring and creative. Because Seven Pirates H is a part of the Genkai Tokki series, expect to see plenty of crossovers. Many of them are recycled, with the only difference being that they are in 3D. I appreciate how the dimension change opens the door to a clearer view of the various intricacies of their conceptions. I won’t get into detail because they tend to make liberal use of genitalia, though.

On that note, it warrants reiteration that this game bathes in the naughtiness and wears perversion on its sleeve. Character models are well crafted, but their aesthetic isn’t inspired. They’re generic pirates that focus more on sex appeal and exposing skin. That extends to the various environments. I do, however, adore Waffle – she’s so damn adorable.

 

SURPRISING SONGS!

Full disclosure, but before playing Seven Pirates H, my standards regarding the soundtrack were the lowest of the low. It could be why I’m a fan of some music then, or perhaps it could just be their genuine awesomeness. The boss theme especially deserves the spotlight because it strives for an epic atmosphere with kick-ass chanting. The Pirate-influenced songs helped solidify the setting and nailed that treasure hunt feel. Sadly, The voice-acting isn’t the greatest and is plastered with headache-inducing squeals and high-pitched screeching. I know that’s the norm with these titles, and I’m usually alright with it. For some reason, the acting here is atrocious, tempting me to switch off the volume. It’s a shame, too, because if I did that, I’d miss out on some bangers.

 

AND THE PIRACY VERDICT IS…

Seven Pirates H, as it is currently, is a below-average experience shackled by bad decisions. Sure, there are entertaining ideas sprinkled throughout. All the quality-of-life adjustments were unexpected but welcomed with open arms. Music is a highlight, with a few tracks being tremendously well-done. Having the levelling system be replaced by booby training, while it may prove to be controversial, is quite clever, marrying flawlessly into the raunchy coat of paint.

What I suspect will become the biggest hurdle to conquer, though, is the subject matter being alienating. In no universe are people not going to criticize groping an unconscious woman – it’s revolting. Even if it didn’t include such a heinous act, the crashes are the perfect deterrent. Seven Pirates H is the equivalent of being egregiously creepy on main. Compared to others in the Genkai Tokki series, it’s also the weakest. I don’t recommend it.  

 

Graphics: 5.0 Environments aren’t badly done. The big qualm that I have is there’s no attempt to give them additional flair. As is, the scenery is plain and uneventful.	Gameplay: 5.0 The gameplay is solid. The ideas aren’t horrible and the dedication to staying on track with the perversion is admirable. The reason the score is average is thanks to the MP. It makes battling a boring affair.
Sound: 7.5 I quite liked the whimsical abs cheery nature of the music. I’m especially floored by the epic sounding boss themes that are accompanied by chanting. It really gives the battles a sense of badassery.	Fun Factor: 3.5 Much like with the gameplay, that damn MP imbalance is the reason I grew tired of playing. The exclusion of bestowing extra money or experience if I targeted weaknesses is a huge one.
Final Verdict: 5.5

Seven Pirates H is available now on Nintendo Switch and PlayStation Vita.

Reviewed on Nintendo Switch.

A copy of Seven Pirates H was provided by the publisher.