The mid 2000s were wild. Being an absolute mall goth edgelord, spending your allowance on nu metal CDs and Hot Topic apparel, was somehow a borderline mainstream cultural phenomenon. Almost every piece of media was desperately trying to edgify itself to cash in on angsty teenagers living tragic and deeply misunderstood lives comprised of MTV, Livestrong bracelets, a shockingly stable economy, and PS2 games. Sega did it with Shadow the Hedgehog. Square Enix wasn’t about to miss out on the fun, or the potential bucks, so naturally it needed an edgelord game of its own. Enter Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII.

Edward Cullen, eat your damn heart out.

How to make an edgelord take on a JRPG, you may be asking? How to make the Hot Topic crowd sit down and play a role-playing game without them thinking it’s the lamest thing in the world for a fourteen year old drenched in soda and “Break Stuff“? Well, you turn the JRPG into a third-person shooter. You also make it feel more like a Metal Gear Solid-esque clone than an actual Final Fantasy clone. And, finally, you select the one character from Final Fantasy VII that looked like he could be part of a band like HIM or Children of Bodom, and make him the protagonist to the story.

You can tinker your guns with Materia in order to shoot magic-infused bullets.

Remember that vampire-looking doofus from Final Fantasy VII, Vincent Valentine? Not particularly the most important character in the game, but still a fan favorite because, well, he was a vampire with a gigantic gun. He’s your protagonist and only playable character. Set three years after the events of the main game, Dirge of Cerberus sees Vincent being hunted down by an organization called Deepground, which sees him as a potential target due to him holding Protomateria within him, a substance that apparently allows him to control the power of Chaos. No relation to the Stranger of Paradise one.

You know the drill: evil corporation wants to create secret soldiers with superpowers in order to destroy and/or conquer the world, the protagonist is (somehow) a chosen one of sorts, and shenanigans ensue because of this whole ordeal. Dirge of Cerberus isn’t perfect in terms of its storytelling, but it is enjoyable enough if you accept the tonality of the game you’re playing. If you approach it knowing that you’re dealing with a silly edgelord game obviously inspired by spy thrillers, and not JRPGs per se, you’re in for a fun ride. Especially since the voice acting, contrary to other Square Enix games from the era, is actually quite good. Vincent is voiced by none other than Spike Spiegel himself, the great Steve Blum, for instance.

Steve Blum, mister Spike Spiegel himself, delivers.

Think of it as one of your first Metal Gear experiences: you are enjoying whatever the hell you’re witnessing, but you’re not particularly invested in the grand scheme of things yet. In the case of Dirge of Cerberus, given how it is the final game in the entire Final Fantasy VII continuity, there was no further development anyway. It is just silly, edgy storytelling, a perfect excuse and coating for you to partake in what you had never thought you’d ever see one day: a Final Fantasy third-person shooter.

Now, remember that this is a game made in Japan in a pre-RE4 reality. This is a third person shooter back when cover shooting, over-the-shoulder aiming, or other gameplay staples of the genre hadn’t been properly implemented yet. Dirge of Cerberus is a more simplified run-and-gun action adventure with RPG elements. You partake in slightly linear missions with set objectives, defeat enemies, collect items, craft new upgrades, and by the end of it, you amass all of your gained experience points, levelling your stats up and becoming a bit stronger for the next area. The usual stuff.

Who needs Thundaga when you have a machine gun?

The main difference between Dirge of Cerberus and other bog-standard shooters is the additional inclusion of Final Fantasy VII-esque Materia. You can (and will constantly) conjure spells during shootouts. So, for instance, you might find yourself on a town square surrounded by soldiers on the floor, snipers on rooftops, and helicopter chasing you. You will then use your trustworthy revolver to take care of these goons, swap for a sniper rifle to get rid of peskier faraway foes, and then demolish the helicopter with a combination of your machine gun and a Limit Break. Guns are completely customizable, as you can tinker with their barrel size, kind of ammo, and Materia slots. The combat might be simplistic, but the customization isn’t.

Yes, the combat is repetitive and occasionally braindead, but I’ll be honest: I enjoyed it. Vincent is one overpowered son of a gun right from the getgo, making you feel a bit like Dante from Devil May Cry at some moments. It doesn’t help that Vincent and Dante share the same mall goth fashion sense, I suppose. Levels are never that long, boss battles rarely pose that much of a threat… the third-person shooter genre has evolved so much over the years that Dirge of Cerberus feels simple, accessible, a good cathartic time.

How nice of him to introduce himself. And to tell me that his name means blue in Spanish and Portuguese.

Back when it was originally released, twenty years ago, Dirge of Cerberus was simply NOT well-received. It got praise for its phenomenal cinematic cutscenes (a Square staple of the time), decent plot (if you’re into Final Fantasy VII, that is), and great voice acting. The simplistic gameplay was reviled. Do I think that is fair?

Look, I get that the game is janky, and I get that it was released right next to revolutionary titles such as Gears of War and Resident Evil 4. Compared to them, or to basically any other half-competent shooter from the last twenty years, Dirge of Cerberus just can’t hold a freaking candle. But if all you really want is a fun extension of the Final Fantasy VII lore, with neanderthalesque gameplay that won’t require too many brain cells, just letting you waltz through hordes of foes, then this IS a fun experience. To top it off, and to my absolute surprise, Dirge of Cerberus has mouse and keyboard compatibility. That’s when things become even more broken to your favor. I just love the catharsis.

The cinematic cutscenes are fantastic. I want to believe they look as good as Advent Children’s.

This retrospective isn’t going to pretend that Dirge of Cerberus is some misunderstood masterpiece. That said, calling it a truly bad game with absolutely no redeeming qualities beyond its extraordinary presentation feels like a step too far. Even twenty years later, playing it as someone with zero nostalgia for the original release, I still had a genuinely fun time with Vincent Valentine’s adventure.

More than anything, it was a delightful reminder of just how hilariously tryhard the mid 2000s could be. Everything had to be edgy and violent, with enormous guns, brooding characters, and plots desperately trying to convince you how cool and serious they were. Nowadays, that attitude almost comes across as adorable. In a strange way, Dirge of Cerberus has managed to stand the test of time thanks to its simple gameplay and an unintentionally ridiculous charm that feels increasingly endearing with age. Now come on, Square Enix. Please remaster the damn thing and re-release it, I bet thee…